REPORT: Long lunch attendee well on his way to getting fully Barnaby’d

A corporate pisswreck and long lunch bandit has made some serious headway this afternoon to getting himself fully Barnaby’d by the late arvo.

Arriving at the pub even earlier than his colleagues, the man made short work of a coupla cold pints of beer. Ain’t a damn thing wrong with that, he reckoned as he greeted his friends and suggested a couple of bottles of wine between them.

While everyone else dined, old mate decided that he wasn’t going to let food ruin his buzz so declined to eat most of his meal. Instead, glugging wine like he was Ian Parmenter hosting Consuming Passions in the late 90s.

We spoke to a witness at the pub who said the man was already looking unsteady on his feet and was speaking at an offensive volume. Adding,

“You can see his eyes darting around for the right planter box to take an aggravated phone call later. He was swaying back to forth at the urinal and getting piss everywhere. Which is quite an achievement given how many grunts it took to get a stream out. This dude was a mess”

A few of his colleagues decided to call it a day and head back to the office. Not old mate though. Instead he decided he’d drink for himself and his fallen comrades. A move that a waitress said was ill advised,

“We’re almost at that stage where we have to cut him off and get yelled at for 15 minutes about how he knows the owner and we’ll all be out of a job unless we bring him another bottle of wine. Frankly, it’s exhausting, he’s half way Barnaby’d already”

At the time of writing this article, he was already needing to close one eye to read the texts on his phone and has untucked his shirt.

By our calculations he will be 100% Barnaby’d in about 45 minutes.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?