Reports of hyenas on the loose in the Swan Valley just Robbie Williams’ fans on the bubbly

Multiple reports of “wildlife” flooded in this afternoon as Swan Valley residents grappled to understand what was making such abrasive, screeching laughter.

We spoke to a Swan Valley resident who first reported the unusual sounds. She told The Times,

“I asked my husband if he could hear a pack of spotted hyenas cackling outside. He said he could. We thought there must’ve been a large pack of them as the noise was unbearable”

The Perth Zoo was contacted to do an emergency headcount on its spotted hyena population and reassured authorities that the beasts weren’t from the zoo.

A crack team of wildlife experts descended on the valley to investigate if a private collector of exotic animals was to blame. What they found chilled them to the bone.

Still recovering from what he saw, African animal expert Jim told The Times,

“As we got closer to the cackling we realised we were underprepared. We weren’t dealing with Crocuta crocuta but a far more fearsome mammal – buses full of 50 year old British women on their way to Robbie Williams and boozed up on Prosecco”

Jim immediately called back to base to alert his commanding officer that he had located the disturbance.

He was then asked if he had enough tranquiliser to neutralise the situation. He told them there wasn’t enough tranquiliser in the world.

Authorities are keeping a close eye on the situation but there are fears the Robbie Williams’ fans are only getting started and will soon combine to make a noise that could be graded as a bio-weapon of mass destruction.

WA police has since released the following warning to Swan Valley residents,

“Stay indoors at all times. Do not approach the pack. Do not provoke the pack. If your husband bears a slight resemblance to their beloved flogged out entertainer then keep him in a secure room. This is not a drill”

Police say they attempted to phone the winery that is hosting the concert but the damage has already been done. Not a functional eardrum within a 500m radius.

Be safe.

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