Westfield “Garden City” Booragoon – you never much cared for all the disparaging remarks about the SOR lifestyle. After all, your kids go to a private school and you can smell the stink of the Canning River from your balcony. You try to fill the void of not living in the Western Burbs with moderately expensive throw rugs. Those BMW X5 brekkie vodkas also help. More on this creature HERE.
Carousel – your idea of a fantastic day’s shopping is to fear for your life on some of Perth’s shittest roads before you get there. You also believe very deeply that you in fact can put lipstick on a pig and are thusly charging into Priceline to smear the Maybelline of delusion all over that hog. It may be new and fancy but it’s still Carousel, baby.
Galleria – you are highly resistant to change and you like it that way. You also probably spent your formative years getting chased by security guards and filming fights with other truants at the bus station. Every time you cough you can still taste that first dart you bum-puffed at that cursed locale.
Karrinyup – you are all style and no substance. You insist on being seen at arguably less scummy NOR shopping centres even if that means destroying your will to live in the car park. You are always in a Frappuccino-induced rage that you can’t get good enough reception to TikTok your latest Mecca haul. Get a damn grip.
Claremont Quarter – the thought of mixing with common folk makes you sick to your core. You begrudgingly accept that the poor need to acquire food & necessary items but strongly believe that you shouldn’t be exposed to their plebby-petulance in the process. You can’t park your luxury 4WD for shit either. More on this specimen HERE.
Watertown – you’re a chronic crop-duster that feels less seen in the open-air environment of Watertown. That’s not to say you don’t disgust the other 20 customers drifting aimlessly around the two-storey maze of average deals and unboxed goods.
DFO – similar to Watertown, you like the IDEA of a bargain but are too much of a techphobic luddite to get some proper savings online. Anyway, you can’t bail up PayPal and demand they shave $5 bucks off last season’s slides now can you?
Midland Gate – like a retail hobbit, your hairy, gnarly feet are on full display through a pair of thongs holding on for dear life. Even more hobbit-like, is the fact you believe your shopping experience should be as close to journeying to Mordor as possible – dodging monstrosities and taking care to protect your jewellery.
Whitford City – when you’re not spending your life commuting to Perth for work you’re patrolling your favourite shopping centre making sure you approve of all changes. Should a new shop’s presence aggrieve you? You’ll get your NIMBY on with the force of 1000 Brexit geezas or geezettes.
Cockburn – you are probably still hypnotised by the creepy faces that got a hold on you early on. Either that or you enjoy local punk kids running amok while you browse for cat food to take home to your army of felines guarding your duplex. You are in deep denial over the pronunciation of your beloved shopping centre too. More on the faces HERE.
Lakeside Joondalup – you enjoy telling people that Joondalup is Perth’s official second major city. You also enjoy the proximity of the shopping centre to the Magistrates Court so you can do a bit of shopping while the love of your life awaits justice for another building site fracas over some soccer result.
The City – your either Basil or you enjoy the serenity of being one of 4 shoppers at any one time. You are very good at ignoring the stink of urine and likely know the layout of JD sports or Culture Kings for a quick escape! More on this eshay HERE.
Belmont Forum – you believe in luck – be it a lottery ticket from the kiosk or avoiding some of Belmont’s finest in the car park. You also have a penchant for telling people how good Belmont Forum is and they should come with you sometime- probably because you’re a masochist and love seeing their face politely nod like a hostage on camera. More HERE.
Rockingham Centre – you’re a vaping, Basketball singlet-wearing, red-shoed beast of a man who has a decent FIFO pay packet to blow on some shit while your misso gets her hair re-peroxided for date night. Your chains definitely aren’t gold-plated… no matter what everyone says.
Costco – your idea of heaven is 1000 times the amount of toilet paper an ordinary arsehole needs in a lifetime. Your membership card makes you feel like an elite consumer and one day you’ll bring home a giant bear to that somebody special.