Being Westralian equips you with a unique set of skills that can be a nightmare for anyone not born here. Let’s review the big ones.
1. Never recognising competition
The WA psyche is a fascinating thing. While people from other cultures might welcome healthy debate, there is nothing a Westralian loves more than completely dismissing their competition with one harsh backhand. “Hot in South Australian, mate you don’t even have heat”, “Melbourne beaches? Mate, you guys don’t even have beaches”.
By not engaging with so-called “arguments” a Westralian never puts themselves in a position to even feel threatened. Despite, paradoxically, this likely comes from a place of insecurity. After all, there’s nothing a Westralian fears more than objective proof a better sunset may exist…
2. Any problem can be fixed by removing the person pointing it out
Now, you can’t believe in Westralian supremacy and accept constructive criticism. It’s just not possible. Never seen in a single citizen. That’s why the attitude of “well if you don’t like it, leave” has flourished so amazingly on the West Coast.
As an example, Perth’s infrastructure problems are like that dodgy lock on your front door that requires a key tango to get into. Sure, we hate it but we hate the annoying cunny standing next to you pestering you to go and get it fixed more. Therefore, the solution? Throw him to the kerb and tell him to rack off. Now you feel better.
3. Self-sabotaging yourself rather than being told what to do
It has been speculated that if no road laws were officially on the books, Westralian roads might be a harmonious scene of respectful bliss. Alas, seeing as drivers are being “told what to do” they simply decide that they will turn said roads into something resembling Mad Max.
We can only assume this anti-authoritarian attitude stems from the fact we weren’t a convict colony. We aren’t used to the shackles of rules and we certainly were never told what to do. That’s why we are essentially a giant Kalgoorlie. You have to love it.
4. Preaching “buy local” but getting bored of “local” in 6 months
A true Westralian loves to tell everyone that they should shop local. That’s until they get bored of the new brick-and-mortar pub that opened up and they flock to the pop-ups every summer, leaving their trusty bar to wither and die under the stress of losing money during the busy season.
All the local burger shops will cop a dose of this too when grease-Merchants Wendy’s flops their massive cholesterol cock on the bedsheets of our local shops and wipes so unceremoniously.
5. (Correctly) believing it’s us v the world
We all know it’s true. Every time a decision is made that doesn’t perfectly suit Westralia it’s an anti-WA conspiracy of the highest order! The AFL certainly stokes this fire with their Vic bias and the GST share is enough to ensure this Perthonality trait is carried into further generations.
Accordingly, WA has formed a sort of crazy neighbour in the fallout shelter kind of mentality. It’s great to be a part of but can leave visitors a little confused. But what do we say to that? Well, if you don’t like that Eastern States fancy man, you can leave. That’ll show ‘em!
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
