Rupert Murdoch accused of trying to influence the election of new bingo caller at retirement home

Murdoch is at it again! This time he has been accused of running a brutal and slanderous campaign against the retirement home resident tipped to take out the coveted bingo caller role.

Murdoch hadn’t been at his new home more than a week before he got the itch to interfere with some democracy. We spoke to Harold, a resident at the American retirement village who told The Times,

“You can see why his sons couldn’t have dumped him here any faster. As soon as he arrived he saw a poster about the home looking for candidates for the bingo calling role. He kept saying he was going to make bingo great again and got to work immediately hacking the favourite’s phone”

What followed was a week of slanderous articles about Bob in the retirement village’s newsletter. Everything from Bob not wiping down his spot in the sauna to Bob being seen in Wuhan in 2019.

We spoke to the horse that Murdoch was backing – Mayvis, a foxy older lady that many think Rupert wants a slice of. She told The Times,

“He’s such a visionary. If anyone can subvert the democratic vote it is him. He’s started commandeering the P.A system for morning and nightly bulletins. Which are mostly about how Bob is a scumbag and hands his dropkick grandson oxys under the table when he visits”

Residents at the retirement home have commented on Murdoch’s influence “not being what it used to”. Pointing to key losses in America and Australia in the past elections. Some reckon he doesn’t have what it takes to stop Bob from winning.

We spoke to Bob who said no one listened to Rupert anymore and that everyone gives their grandchildren a few fun pills every now and then. More importantly, he told us that he was born to call bingo. Adding,

“Ask not what retirement village bingo can do for you, ask what you can do for retirement village bingo! Did you need any oxy by the way? 3 for 10”

Who will win the coveted bingo caller role? Will Murdoch get his groove back and successfully ruin democracy again? Only time will tell.

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