Alan Joyce resigns 2 months early, reinforcing Qantas’ commitment to never departing on schedule

In true Qantas fashion, Alan Joyce departed at a time that was not scheduled. This time, it was an aggressively early departure which is both new and completely on brand for the airline at the same time.

Some claim that the CEO was nudged out early because of the horrendous coverage the airline has copped recently. For price gouging and other scummy shit like selling tickets to flights that were destined to be cancelled. However, an airline insider told The Times,

“Originally Joycey was wanting to do a Gil in the AFL and depart late. That’s the quintessential Qantas fuckup but ever the showman, he decided to throw a curveball. Keep the punters guessing. It was symbolic of the question you ask yourself every time you book Qantas, when TF is my flight actually going to leave? You just don’t know”

BREAKING: Cartel offer Alan Joyce a job after hearing his reputation for sending bags to every corner of the globe

We spoke to a Qantas frequent flyer who applauded Joyce for his early resignation. Adding,

“Just imagine getting to the airport at 4 am on fly-in day and being told your flight left 2 months ago ha ha. That you’d have to come back tomorrow morning ha ha. What a gee up, cuz”

Speculation is rife as to what Joycey will get for his golden handshake. A common practice in corporate Australia of rewarding the shareholder’s darling with a gift for their service. Alas, one senior executive made the ambitious decision to pack the gift into his carry-on. A source told The Times,

“Joycey’s Rolex could be anywhere between Sydney, here, Madagascar, Kyiv… I mean you name it. Call us Pablo because we can send bags anywhere”

More to follow.

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