Apprentice chef quickly realises the only realistic part of MasterChef is the tears

A young feller starting his cheffing career has quickly learned that the hit Channel 10 cooking show is as full of shit as his soul feels after each excruciating shift.

While he thought the world of cookery would be tweezers, stunning reveals, and impressed critics, he has realised that it’s a lot more tortuous mise en place, borderline ice addictions chronic chain smoking and or vaping, whatever your kitchen-induced anxiety needs. He told The Times,

“Yeah OK. That show is a complete load of shit. Apart from the crying of course. I do a lot of that. Every shift feels longer than the next and the only carrot I have is the promise that after maybe 6 months I can maybe pick up a proper knife. For now, it’s a peeler and dish pigging because they are so understaffed”

A slightly older chef reassured the boy that the media portrayed an incredibly inaccurate portrait of what the game was about. He told The Times,

“Poor kid hasn’t even had a stressed restaurateur come in and get into a fistfight with the head chef over the cost of olive oil. Hell, he hasn’t even had a strung out sous chef tell him he’s fkn nothing and will die alone because said sous chef hadn’t had a nicotine hit for 10 minutes”

The boy said he was keen to persist through the difficult industry. Claiming that the prize at the end will be to not only cook beautiful food but have his own legion of underlings to berate, embarrass and throw pots. He added,

“One of the pastry chefs tells me that it’s a cycle of trauma and one that has got him through the hard times. Sure I’m gutted now but one day I’ll get to take out my own stress and lack of career satisfaction on someone and after all, isn’t that how the world works?”

Very profound young man, very profound.

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