Belmont Man Makes a Pig of Himself at Acquaintance’s Wedding

Trisha  and Johnny  tied the knot at a pleasant little ceremony over the weekend. By most reports the night was a roaring success, soured only by one man’s insatiable appetite for disregarding social etiquette.

Belmont man, Randy started the night poorly by answering a call during the speeches and proceeding to cropdust the crowd as he loudly argued on the phone as he made his way to a more discreet area to talk. It was the first but not the last time the crowd was going to get a preview of what lay deep inside this man.

Onlookers were further disgusted at his relentless attacks on the trays of exquisite canapes that were being circulated by the caterers.  The Times spoke to Natasha, who was reduced to a sobbing mess in the corner by 9:00pm, she told the Times:

“that man is a pig. Who is this man? Who invited him? He has not stopped scoffing food down his fat face the entire night and speaks while he is chewing! He came over to ask me if I’d used Hollywood tape on my udders, as he referred to them as, and he sprayed food all over my face and bust”

It seems Randy wasn’t content with horrifying guests with his gluttony, when by 11:30pm he had begun leering and making inappropriate comments to the female guests, urging one male patron who was dancing with his girlfriend to “give her one for me”.

Naturally, this would not be the only atrocity the uncouth gentleman would commit on the dancefloor.  As the party raged on, Randy raged harder and his unwelcome hugs left transferred much of the sweat he’d worked up onto a fair section of the guest list. 

The night reached a surreal climax when Randy stormed out of the toilet and declared to a shocked guest, “give it 15 minutes”.  By all reports, the stench seeping from the room was enough to curdle milk. An aroma that only seemed to make the plus side man even friskier. 

Proven by the fact the drunken oaf took the microphone in his sweaty grasp and put out a general call for any bridesmaid that wants a slice. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?