“Dial a mess” – Perth bloke offering his services to take the attention off you at Xmas parties

An entrepreneurial Perth man has figured out a way to use one of his only skills in life to make bank this silly season.

His company is “Your mate rental services” which promises to “bring the mess to you”.He claims that he’s up for any job – large or small. Adding,

“We’ve all been there, you’re seeing a mate or colleague slowly become the party disgrace. Traditionally there was little you could do about this, you’d just have to watch the trainwreck until it resulted in some shameful crescendo”

He paused to respond to several urgent requests before continuing,

“So I rock up and infiltrate the shindig and my mission is to take the attention off my client. I’m a natural ‘your mate’ and I know all the tricks. Plus I’ll actually be a mess when I arrive so there’s always that guarantee”

His bait & switch tactics have proved super successful. We spoke to Brad who was certainly on his way to disgrace town after a work golf day. He said he used his last morsel of rationality to “dial a mess”.

Within 30 minutes, Brad’s dated Borat impersonations and “hard truths” were completely eclipsed by this mystery guest. Who upon arrival had already dropped his pants and was helicoptering. Brad’s mate was in on the extraction mission and told The Times,

“It was beautiful. All senior management was hypnotised by the goose this bloke was making of himself. It gave us time to get some food into Brad and take him for a walk. By the time we got back a senior executive had the bloke in a headlock demanding to know what department he was working for. It worked a treat, no one remembered Brad’s bullshit”

Countless positive testimonials appear on “Your mate rental services” review page. So much so, he’s even branched out and contracted a woo-girl friend to fill the niche for female clients.

Bianca is an absolute master of creating drunken drama and recently saved local girl Tamara’s bacon on a work Xmas do. Tamara told The Times,

“Within 15 minutes she had ruined a marriage, thrown a stiletto at another girl on the dancefloor and fallen off a table while trying to dance on it. No one even remembered that I vomited on the Secret Santa table”

Well done for a great business initiative. Still not convinced? Check out this testimonial to show what a specialist is he:

“I knew I was in trouble when I’d passed out in the urinal but the next thing I knew this guardian angel had pulled me out, swapped my clothes and took my place. When a shit-stirring coworker came back to show everyone where I was they just saw this beautiful man wallowing around in human piss. I can’t thank him enough”


RELATED: 7 Hot Tips For Surviving The Silly Season

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?