10 Hottest Activities For Flatlanders In The Perth Hills 

Hobby farm stay – everyone knows the popularity of farm stays. Where you get to feel like a real farmer because you fed some sheep or someshit. Well, welcome to the hobby farm stay! It’s even more detached from the rural reality. 

Enjoy activities such as fencing disputes, tending to a small crop of hydroponic “tomatoes” and of course, the daily anti-Government rants about how they are trying to make 15-minute cities and take away cash. Finish your stay with an angry, anonymous letter to a member of the Government! Yewww beauty. 

Bylaw infringement hunt – speaking of fencing disputes, the fun doesn’t just stop there. In the Perth Hills, you live by the bylaws and you die by the bylaws. So join an aggrieved neighbour with a sound level meter as they record the decibels of some kids playing basketball.

Or you could play “who owns the animal that left that mound of shit there”? A fun whodunnit game that will see you peeking into properties and gathering evidence for a local pub night confrontation. Unmissable. 

Get stuck behind the peloton on Mundaring Weir Road – have you ever wondered what it was like to be a Tour de France support car? Well, wonder no more, the Mundaring Weir Road climb is brutal and you can be sure those weekend warriors will be moving slower than a Brit to a dentist appointment. 

Just go around them you reckon? Not even on your best day pal. It’s a never-ending winding hellscape of impassability. So just sit back and watch those thicc lycra-clad man-arses while you take in the serenity of their loud corporate convos. 

Zig Zags – needing to spice up your love life? Getting digitally penned up the wazoo with your lover after 3 packs of nangs is a must-do this weekend. Of course, you probably won’t be alone so if exhibitionism isn’t your thing perhaps fork out for some heavy tinting.

After satisfying your appendage-lust, live out your dreams of being a rally car driver like everyone else does. Driving like a knuckledragger is all the rage and what got Zig Zags closed down. So better get in before they close it again! You fast & the furious fuckstick you. More on Zig Zag HERE.

Go missing in the deep hills – have you seen The Beach? Well, imagine that just with more dirt bikes, bikie associates and a crop that you really wish you hadn’t stumbled across. What an adventure.

Now when we say go missing, we do mean go missing because you ain’t getting out of that scrub again unless you have something valuable to trade. Perhaps give your young son a leg up in a dynamic and exciting industry. He’s theirs now, bucko, move on. Meet this bloke HERE.

Witness the pranking of the gum nuts – it’s a long weekend so the local youths (or fully grown adults with nothing to do after a few hours on the pipe) will be feeling a bit silly. So, naturally, some washing detergent is going in the gum nuts fountain in Kalamunda.

Many see the aftermath but few see the act. Your best bet is to lurk in the shadows at Stirk Park and wait for a sufficiently drunk enough pack of kids to decide it’s time. What an honour to witness tradition!

Enjoy piercing stares that come with being flatlander scum – speaking of honours, we should all be so lucky to feel the disgusted gaze of a hill dweller at one of their local watering holes or farmers’ markets. 

If they had their way, there would be some sort of border between the flatlands and the hills. Many speculate that our peoples were never meant to coexist and much like an Amazonian tribe that has never had contact with the outside world, we should leave the hill dwellers be. 

Take a lawn mower for a joyride – it’s the hills, baby, you don’t need that fandangled Toyota Corolla anymore. Just hijack a farmer’s mower from a deep hills pub and prepare for the adventure of a lifetime. 

Be warned if you’re caught riding another man’s mower you will face swift mob justice. Imagine the joy on your family’s face as you’re driven out of the hills by a who’s who of undeclared fire arm owners. More on the lawnmower life HERE.

Lesmurdie falls – have you ever seen a photo of someone risking their life for an Instagram photo and thought what a fkn tool? Well, don’t just live vicariously through those folks, become the tool you know you want to be!

If risking it for the biscuit ain’t your thing you can live out your Edmund Hillary fantasy and post how an intermediate hike on a Saturday afternoon has brought you within grasping distance of being a higher-evolved being. More on this creature HERE.

Be one of those glamping people – there really are two types of people, glampers and people that fear we have wandered too far from the eyes of god. Enjoy spending plenty of cash on what is essentially a 24-hour social media photoshoot. 

Enjoy the waters of Lake Leschenaultia as you think up captions to fit your boho-chic opinion of yourself. In your defence, at least you aren’t staying in one of those little houses or staycaying at Crown Towers. Give yourself a pat on the back. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?