Sitting on a Gold Mine: Why Your Old Holden Jacket Is Better Than Superannuation

Do you think anyone wants their front lawn ripped up by a bloke wearing one of these bad boys? Forgetaboutit. 

Not only does the Jacket imbue the driver with super circle work powers but it is also estimated to be worth $500 on the open Perth Beer Economy. That’s today. In a few years that value is expected to quintuple. In 20 years, who knows, perhaps 1 Million bucks. Or if you’re partial to a few cans of double strength bourbon, even more.

Why you may ask? Well Holden shitting the bed of course. As soon as the car manufacturer folded everything with a Holden badge on it became hot property. Spicy real estate. “Rockingham” superannuation”, you see.

However, it’s not just the super exclusive nature of these mass produced pieces of crap that makes them valuable. One must always consider the nature of the man selling his secondhand garbs. Is that man a legend? In thie case, of-farken-course he is.

The first thing one notes about men who don this legendary garb is they have no affiliation with the Holden Racing Team. Secondly, you will notice the irony, that for men who base their entire identity on cars, they can’t drive to save themselves. Not just standard driving but can’t manage to do any of that braindead hoon nonsense with much skill either. 

That’s if they are even legally permitted to drive by the state of Western Australia. As they always say, the best accessories to go with a Holden Jacket are yellow stickers, E plates and court orders. 

Typically, the jacket is paired with the finest in petrol station speed dealers and jeans that were purchased when Bob Hawke was PM. This ensemble is normally topped off with a mug covered in facial hair that could protect a crop from birds – the Kwinana Tuxedo. 

Once a well-seasoned gentleman makes the decision to purchase a Holden Jacket he commits to it for life. There is no occasion too formal for this garb and have been a staple in burnout themed weddings for generations. Stop acting like you’d ever take a jacket off if you paid like $70 for it. 

A major drawcard of the jacket is it manages to really trap the aroma of darts & B.O. This powerful funk often mixes with a superficial spray of Brut to create a scent that old car slappers find irresistible. 

When out in public, the Holden Jacket wearer must be as obnoxious towards rival car fans as humanly possible. Despite their own car being worth $500 they will gladly regale you with the extreme measures they would take to avoid being seen in a Ford. 

In fact, if a comedian promised to say “God made Fords to keep dick heads out of Holdens” for an hour straight, old mate would see the show multiple times. Roaring with laughter each time the holy words are muttered from his mouth. 

Accordingly, you have to ask yourself a question, “am I willing to risk incarceration because a Ford driver bumped into me while I was lining up for another pie at the Motorplex?” If the answer is no, you have no business donning this garb. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?