There were essentially two types of children growing up. Firstly, the ones that thought their parents loved them more because they got a lovingly crafted homemade cake for their birthday each year. Secondly, the ones that got a Coles’ Mud Cake instead.

Sure that bespoke footy shaped cake with the chocolate stitching looked like a loving creation, but in reality, it was a packet mixed piece of shit that was drier than the Murray Darling in cotton country. Ipso facto, your parents weren’t particularly fond of you. They loved you, they just didn’t “like” you. 

If you were loved, however, you were one of the children that got a $4.40 Coles’ Mud Cake. The golden standard in both taste and moisture. This thing was damper than a substitute teacher’s armpits in a portable classroom.

Over time, the homemade cake mob developed crippling rose` addictions and sought solace in ridiculous $200 cakes made by their unemployed “hustler” friends, while the Coles’ Mud Cake mob grew to fully appreciate what their parents did for them in those formative years.

Essentially, the Coles’ Mud Cake was a safety blanket for any young adult, especially when they were in the grips of a particularly brutal coughing fit after an unwise decision to go back to back bucket bongs in a High Wycombe laundry.

To this day, humankind has failed to find a dessert that is more accommodating to your duplex living lifestyle. Pair with a quarter of a tub of generic vanilla ice cream and let the flavours take you back to a better time in your life. A time where you didn’t constantly wonder why you’re hungover on a Wednesday and why you can’t even keep a houseplant alive.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?