Macca decided at the tender age of 12 to be an Emu Export man. Now, over 50 years have passed and his commitment to his beloved had never wavered. It’s a stunning example of stubbornness, fear of change, and knowing what he likes.
That’s until last night. In a moment of weakness, Macca’s thirst-ship veered towards the siren song of an icy cold pint of Swan. Perhaps it was the way the amber liquid hit the light or maybe the promise of froffin’ head. Either way, Macca gave in to his most sordid desires.
We spoke to Macca’s friend Kez, who is also a lifelong Emu man and resident old mate at the same pub. He told The Times,
“It was a wild night cob. Macca had just taken out the chase the ace and the meat tray in the same night. I knew something crazy was going to happen. He even communicated with someone not sitting on a barstool”
In fact, it was that decision to recognise a non-stooler that lead Macca down the road to temptation. After telling the table of youngins that it was the greatest night of his life a pissed-up mullet in a Unit shirt poured him a pint from his jug.
Now Macca isn’t the kind of man to turn down a free froff. It’s just never happened given his outstanding reluctance to acknowledge another human being when he’s doing his drinking. A witness to the scene told The Times,
“When he locked lips with that icy cold Swan you could tell he was excited. Nothing like Swanny D from the tap but you could also tell he was conflicted. He looked back at his half warm,half-mangled can of Emu and I reckon a tear almost rolled down his cheek”
After slamming the pint on the table, he cursed the “bloody mongrels” for tempting him. It was his apple in the garden moment and hobbled back to his stool to start repairing the damage. One moment of madness and he’d betrayed his love of 50 years.
This morning, Macca lays in his bed with the slightly different scent of his piss-soaked King Gee’s wafting through his room. It’s no longer the pure stank of a purebred Emu piss. It’s mixed. It’s tainted. It’s the stench of his own infidelity.
He makes sure to lock his lips extra tight on his brekkie can but he can feel the spark burning just a little less bright. It will be a long road to redemption but Maccas is the sort of man to get it done.