Optus CEO actually resigned last week but her text to the board only just came through

The media has reported that Optus CEO Kelly Bayer Rosmarin has announced her resignation today is false. 

We have credible reports that she actually resigned last week but the text she sent to the board advising them of her intentions only just came through. 

It will come as no surprise that she was using an Optus plan on her personal phone and forgot to send a copy of the text from her Telstra & Vodafone services. A source told The Times,

“It was pretty obvious that Kelly was pissed off last week. No one was saying their goodbyes but that’s because no one knew she resigned! The magic of Optus, the magic of yes!”

When the text finally came through it was 3 am on a Sunday morning. Sources close to the Optus board told The Times,

“Normally you receive a message from a drunk friend or booty call at that time. You don’t expect a resignation. It made them wonder how many people were mistakenly thought to have sent an am-thirst message when they actually sent ‘what are you up to?’ at a reasonable time. I think Optus has a lot to answer for”

We spoke to a bloke who experienced this exact problem and blames Optus for ruining a good thing he had going. He told The Times,

“Yep, I did a Rosmarin, as I call it now. I sent the message at 5 pm on a Saturday asking what she was up to. She got it at 3am and ghosted me the next day. I’m innocent of the thirst insinuations!”

We understand that the young man has since sent this news to the girl and has been left on seen. 

How do you sleep at night, Kelly. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?