5 ways to out-cougar your competition like a queen

Carrying around a yoga mat is for basic cougars – Any cougar worth their Lululemon high rises knows that fitness equipment is a powerful accessory whether it’s used for its intended purpose or not. Thus taking a yoga mat aka the ol’ golden triangle handbag to brunch has become a staple of the cougar scene.

You could keep doing this for sure but you’re better than that. Why not go to brunch with a Pilates ring instead? Perhaps crab walk in with a resistance leg band on? Fuckit, why not swap out your chair for a giant fitness ball? Go big, go extra. 

Do less at the health club – While the general public needs to see your dedication to fitness the exact opposite is true in your health clubs. Working out at these expensive juice bars is a sign that you aren’t perfect – and that ain’t you mamma. 

While basic cougs might be able to get away with a light cycle while fielding obnoxiously loud phone calls you’ll have to do even less. Perhaps use some fitness equipment to have a little nap on? It’ll have your competition shaking in their unscuffed Asics gels. 

Meet a doctor – the ability to charm a local doctor during an appointment is essential to getting the gear you need to take the edge off the hectic coug lifestyle. It ain’t easy being an alpha coug after all. 

Instead of wasting your time at appointments, it’s time to ensnare your own doctor in your web. A man that’s willing to risk it all to keep you vallied up the Ying Yang. After all, the prescriptions maketh the cougar, and having them on call is the only way forward if you want to crush your competitors. 

Signature cocktail at Crown – knowing your way around a cocktail bar is day one shit of cougarology. If you want to take your game to the next level then you can’t be ordering off a menu like some mid-tier, carbon copy Aldi knockoff Coug.

Instead, be the coug you know you can be by insisting your regular haunt tailor a cocktail just for you. Don’t get too caught up in the specifics, you know it’s just going to be an Aperol Spritz with a slightly different composition however that’s not the point. The point is ordering a drink named after you is a massive flex. More on Crown cougars HERE.

Disturb a swarm of bees before going out – if you’ve read this far you undoubtedly agree that a moveable face is the most overrated thing in the world. Alas, constant botox appointments are taking time out of your busy winning & dining schedule.

Instead, why not consider aggravating a hive of local bees before you go out? Pretty sure bee venom injections are used by rich wellness arseholes anyway. Cut out the middleman and get that fresh inflated face in an instant. Coug smarter, not harder. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?