Typically, Toolies are regarded as a merciless shitstain on the fitted sheets of society. They are mature-aged revellers who graduated many years ago and really have no business partying around teenagers. However, parents have found themselves wanting to thank one particularly tragic Toolie for his unintended life coaching session.
At approximately 7:45 am last night, a Toolie advanced on a group of school leavers while his hairline seemed to aggressively retreat by the second. He attempted to charm the group with tales of his entry-level construction job & how farked up he got at his own leavers some 15 years ago.
As he went on and on about his unimpressive life milestones something truly magical happened. Like a cuntapple falling on the heads of the teens they had their little eureka moment – take life seriously, work hard or one day end up like this clown.
We spoke to school leaver Will who was previously unsure about his pathway into Notre Dame commerce. He told The Times,
“I was thinking a lot more about partying and just living life to the max with no regard for my future. Then I met that future. You could see the strain in his face, trying to suck in a gut and flex his triceps for over 45 minutes, I thought he needed to take a shit. I called my parents right after and said I was going to become a CPA and won’t be touching another Cruiser for the remainder of this session”
Similarly, Becca had previously been known to go on car cruises with 26-year-olds in Perth. She then realised that was a slippery slope and vowed to recalibrate her slay-dar to kick more goals in life. She told The Times,
“It was at some point between him saying he has a fridge full of Cruisers and telling us they call him the couch because he always pulls out that I realised I could do better in life. I know he thought he was ‘in’ but I was only smiling because my life had so much more meaning now. Never end up with someone like that”
Another in the group decided to flush his caps right down the toilet after hearing the Toolie offer to buy a wristband off one of them for $500. He told The Times,
“This guy was the best anti-substance abuse PSA ever. After just 10 minutes of hearing him talk about his promising surfing career being taken away from him because he got too much poon on tour, I realised that I wanted to do everything I could to be a normal fkn adult”
Brett aka “The Couch” will never truly understand the profound impact he had on those leavers but rest assured mate, you did. We thank you for your service.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?