All or nothing

Maybe you started with a bong and a copy of Zeitgeist but soon your thoughts about the legality of income tax snowballed into embracing every crackpot theory under the sun (which you believe you should stare at every day). 

Accordingly, you don’t just dabble in batshittery, you rack up fat lines of the finest Peruvian guano and charge headfirst into any new theory. Illuminati, flat earth, chemtrails, 5G, scamdemic, you name it, you want a big slice of that conspiracy pie.

You have a Guru

At the heart of every conspiracy theory is a snake-oil salesman profiting in some way. Whether that be with magic light machines, book sales or a high grossing American radio show. 

Given their astute ability to separate fools from money it is unlikely they believe their own horseshit – that’s for you to do. You drink the bathwater and they get rich. How it’s been from the very beginning of conspiracy time. 

Everything is fake news 

One could say that the ultimate conspiracy theory is that all of the world’s media outlets are conspiring against YOU – a truth seeker, a free thinker, an enlightened one. It’s important to sell this idea to your flock because you can use it to dismiss any criticism of your absurd ideas by screaming, “fake news”. 

After all, it’s a lot more efficient to deal with your critics with a blanket statement as deep down, you know your logic has more gaping holes than Brazzer’s complete catalogue. 

Alternative facts

Seeing as the lamestream media is all fake you need to get your knowledge from somewhere. So you feast in the fertile eco-system of blogs and vlogs produced by like-minded free thinkers. 

It takes an impressive level of audacity to cite a 3 hour-long YouTube video by a dude wearing a Guy Fawkes mask as a source for your information. Lucky for you, you are audacious. You farm your alternative facts from the most dubious of sources but as you make very clear, they are just as credible as peer-reviewed sources. 

You live in constant shock people aren’t taking you seriously 

Imagine that you’ve just spent the last 4 hours writing rambling essays about the New World Order’s grand plan to deliver microchips via vaccines for a virus that doesn’t exist. Microchips that will be used to control our thoughts and doom us to a life of servitude. 

You can’t believe how calm people are being. You’re dropping more bombs than an American drone on a democracy mission and people are just baaaaaah’ing along without a care in the world. It’s frustrating. 

You can’t resist a fight on social media

No matter what you’re doing you will answer the call of batshit-signal so you can swoop in and save your conspiracy city from the ravages of logic. Of course, you don’t see yourself as arguing with strangers on the internet, you see yourself as “educating against the established narrative”. 

Perversely, you believe you are acting in the greater good but also making the world a noticeably dumber place. A watering down of grey matter so serious that we’ve managed to bring back measles and what not. Yay. 

You are living in danger 

Most importantly, you are aware of the very real danger you are in. Your daily re-programming of the sheeple MUST be drawing the ire of these hugely powerful organisations. 

Just imagine the power an organisation would need to be able to unite all world governments, media and public figures to push a narrative like COVID is real or the world is spherical. Anyone else wouldn’t want to mess with a power like that. Stay safe free thinkers, they are onto you.