Cherry Ripe – you’re an old-school, seasoned campaigner that believed pleasure is for the weak. Cherry Ripe is your one oasis away from Old Gold & Fruit & Nut. You don’t like being looked at when you’re indulging in your moment of weakness.
Dream – you’re not just dreaming you’re living a full-on fantasy world. Thinking life can be all sweet cocoa butter with none of the bitter realities. Time to give up the white chocolate dream and stop wearing people down with your naive optimism.
Boost – you are complacent and sell yourself short. You know damn well you should get off your lazy arse and get the superior Twix bar from whatever disgusting shithole you shop at. Alas, you don’t and that’s why your mother-in-law is right about you.
Dairy Milk – you’re the sort of person to really tear the house down at a party aren’t ya? You volume-lowering, light beer-drinking bore. Your idea of pushing the boat out is by eating two rows of plain chocolate while you watch The Chase every afternoon. Live a little!
Marvellous Creations – you’re completely dead inside and the only way you can feel anymore is by being underwhelmed by cynical marketing. It’s not a circus in your mouth, it’s the shit they swept up off the floor of Willy Wonka’s hole of glory. Get a dog, man.
Caramello – just like your fav chocolate, you’re inconspicuous on the outside but you’re harbouring a naughty little secret aren’t ya? Wouldn’t want the authorities looking too closely at your hard drive if you’re honest.
Moro – you hate this country. You’d get off your Kiwi high horse but there isn’t enough scaffolding in the long white cloud to get up to you! What did Mars Bar ever do to you, except welcome you in and get you a cushy job on the moines?
Bubbly – you’re probably going to settle into an Amy Schumer Netflix special after you eat your bubbly given you like idea theft so much. Every time a Bubbly is eaten an Aero-fairy loses its wings. That’s just sad, man.
Flake – you consider your habitual lateness to be a quirky personality trait. When in fact you just don’t have your shit together. Much like your beloved Flake.
Turkish Delight – you fancy yourself an exotic, mysterious little number don’t you? When in reality, you’re about as cultured as a food court sweet & sour pork with extra fluoro sauce. Deep down, you get a bit of a kick out of disgusting people with your choices, don’t ya?
Crunchie – you’re a loud, garish snacker who gets a bit excited by the arousing tongue tingling. Why don’t you just go and rub one out in public next you grub. Keep your pleasure to yourself.
Picnic – you’re a real quantity over quality kind of operator. Just dump whatever the hell you want in that brown log and stuff it down your throat like a French goose. You still aren’t over Sizzler closing down.
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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
