12 regal tips for having a perfect day in Peppermint Grove

Ready to de-plebify yourself by enjoying a day out in Perth’s most elite suburb? Let’s go!

1. Play fed-up tradie/gardener spotto

Times certainly ain’t tough in Peppy G and you’ll find more tradies in Peppy Grove than your local front bar during the afternoon show.

You’ll also find more tradies at the end of their tether having to deal with overbearing rich clients who look at them like shit on their shoes. Best not make this a drinking game or you’ll be absolutely sloshed.

2. Visit the Freshwater Bay buttplug

Freshwater Bay is truly a beautiful slice of Perth. Plenty of grass area overlooking a picturesque, yacht-filled paradise. Oh yeah, and a sculpture of something that looks like it has an express ticket to the nearest big ‘ole.

Technically it’s a “seed pod” but let your imagination run wild and with some creative photography get a shot of it going up your clacker.

3. Play an exciting game of chicken on the narrow streets

Due to an abundance of contracted help, the narrow streets of Peppy Grove can be rather crowded as people park on both sides.

This leads to many exciting games of chicken with some of the worst drivers in Perth to play such a game – either agitated tradies or poshos who will wait for no one – especially someone driving a modest sedan!

4. Discover a forbidden PSA bong spot

Time to explore the stunning cliffs. A truly remarkable bit of nature that is littered with some premium bong spots for rich kids who weren’t able to use the family’s pool house that evening.

Due to poor lighting and frankly dangerous conditions, you’re very unlikely to be bothered in the evening. Except maybe by a snake.

5. Learn about erosion the hard way

You could surmise from the amount of signage in the area that these limestone cliffs are a sneeze away from toppling all over you. Then again, the cardinal rule of Perth is – don’t tell me what to fkn do!

So obviously you’re going to try your luck against the ancient structures. Good luck, you’ll probably need it.

6. Pay your respects to the site of the Taj Mahal 

The Peppy Grove Taj Mahal has to go down in history as one of Perth’s most iconic architectural shitshows. Not only did the locals HATE the idea they were left with an unfinished monstrosity when the owners couldn’t finish it off! Then it got covered in graffiti! Eyesores on eyesores.

Just imagine the seething river of vitriol flowing from those rich tossers’ mouths for years. It doesn’t get much better than that. More on iconic Perth landmarks HERE.

7. Channel your inner lady of leisure 

While the plebs work, you are free to enjoy some grass court tennis followed by high tea or Grey Goose, or whatever it is richos do with their day. No one really knows.

After getting suitably sauced you’ll want to trade slanderous gossip about PLC teachers, boardroom big wigs, and who got caught with who’s au pair in the ol’ cigar room. Now that’s living.

8. Liberate an Au Pair at the local shops

Speaking of Au Pairs, you could take a trip to the only shops in Peppy G – outrageously called Cottesloe Central. Its name might be more of an issue if anyone who lives in Peppermint Grove actually did their own shopping.

Anyway, back to the liberation. If you notice a panicked young European ask her to blink twice if their passport is being held in a safe until they pay back the debt incurred when they spilled one of their master’s champagne flutes on the Persian rug.

9 Learn the perth tradition of Nepotism at the Yacht club 

Having saved a young migrant you may have worked up a thirst. Time to head over to the Yacht Club to find out how Perth really works. Merit always comes second to nepotism.

It’s kind of relieving to know that no matter how hard you work, you’ll never beat that coked-up chump who was lucky to fall out of his dad’s ballsack 20 years prior. Reflect on this over a gin & tonic, old boy!

10. Lower the value of one of Perth’s richest street

That’s right, your very presence on Irvine Street will necessarily lower the value of it. Especially if you are commuting in a Ford Falcon. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s just that if a prospective buyer sees someone on the street that isn’t a tradie or a member of the Cottesloe Golf Club then it all has gone to shit, clearly.

You should draw some pleasure from this. Even if the average house price is likely more than you’ll ever earn in a lifetime. Actually, don’t dwell on that. It’s just depressing really.

11. Take solace there are still people able to afford a $30K p/a school in this cost of living crisis 

OK so seeing the extreme affluence has got you feeling a bit down about your own economic situation. Surely reflecting on the fact people are able to spend $30k per year just to ensure their kid’s lack of academic ability doesn’t hold them back in life should cheer you up!

No? Ah well, at least your kids don’t have to wear those goofy arse hats. That’s a win and something you should get a warm feeling on the next time you have a mini meltdown when Coles up the price of tomatoes again this week.

12. Gang problem

The Times reported on the ongoing gang problem in Peppy Grove this year. It should come as a surprise to nobody that the Peppermint Grove Gang is still VERY active and has even been known to loiter in Manner Hill Pavillion throwing up tags.

Will the streets of Peppy G ever be safe again? It’s unlikely based on our September report. Check it out HERE.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?