5 People You Can’t Avoid Watching The Matildas

The Women’s world Cup was an entertainment phenomenon and now the Tillies are back to qualify for the Olympics. Naturally when that happens we are left asking who left the gate open at the freak farm. Here are the main offenders.

1. The bandwagoner laying it on a bit thick

It’s been a wild couple of months for this unit. He may have only learned the names of some of the players in July but they aren’t letting that stop their online campaign to show how enlightened they are because they support women’s soccer.

Of course, at the cessation of the World Cup, everyone was wondering what became of this fan. Did they slink back into their usual life or would they fire up and support the girls along their journey? Judging by last night’s game at HBF the wagon is going strong! Have to love that.

2. The “football fanatic” who can’t resist attacking AFL

The success of the women’s soccer has sent the “football” fanatics into turbo drive. They can’t miss a single opportunity to lay the boot into AFL. Brandishing the ratings as a mighty sword as they vent years of Australian sports media basically ignoring their sport.

According to these types, the entire AFL premiership season should be put on hold and every fan should be moved into a programming camp and not allowed to leave until they admit there is only one true football. Use of the term soccer would also carry the death penalty.

3. The Sam Kerr conspiracy theorist

We truly live in the age of being suspicious to the point of unadulterated paranoia. In particular, Sam Kerr and her managed playing minutes. It seems every punter and their dog knows the real scope. From Chelsea’s top brass forbidding her to play to constant assurances she’ll play being a stunt to sell tickets.

Naturally, sometimes professional athletes get injured. However, in the world of the anti-Occam’s razor, it’s always the most conspiratorial answer that is the most correct. No doubt Sam’s next goal celebration will be a signal to the lizard people to unleash the next wave of control. Or whatever.

4. The actual fan

They have followed the Matildas for their whole life. Know the team and are absolutely loving seeing them progress through the competition. Of course, being a true fan can put you on a crash course with bandwagoners. So watch out, Timmy 2 months! Your hot takes might get shut down.

Instead, approach the authentic fans with a bit of humility and get tons of good talking points. Like a hot-take-farmer, and then maybe you won’t sound like such a massive butthole on social media with your half-cooked nuffie opinions.

5. The hater

Ah yes, nothing popular could ever exist without creating blistering hatred. It’s been this way since the beginning of time. However, the haters are burning with the heat of a thousand suns – hating women’s sport AND hating soccer – it’s an all-you-can shit on buffet and they are going up for seconds.

They seem to forget in a free world, they are simply able to take in the entertainment that interests them. They will also insist they could get some of their mates together and beat the Matildas any day of the week. It would be a mighty feat to see those blowhards tie their shows up without doing a hammy, however.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?