Why fly all the way to Bali when you can get the full experience right here in Perth?
Rampage (sans clothes) in Northbridge – bare-arsed rampages are always best in areas with plenty of other pissheads egging you on. Proudly put your shame on display as you put in the groundwork for a near-fatal case of the Sunday scaries. With any luck, you might not get tasered.
2. North Beach
Piss people off on scooters in North Beach – sure, it’s a different type of scooter but the end result will be the same – you acting like a massive tool on two wheels. Plus just like Kuta, you’ll have a delicious beach setting to enjoy while you draw the ire of locals and donate some skin to the road gods. Magic.
Have a solid pool urination session in Scarborough – you paid your admission fee to the heated pool and you just want to kick it while you enjoy a few bevvies deviously disguised in your Yeti water bottles. All that’s left is to unleash the beast! Warm, piss-filled water, are you actually in Kuta now?!
Lose a fight to an ethnic surfer In Scarborough – while you’re in Scabs, don’t miss a chance for another quintessential Bali experience. Run afoul of some ethnic surfers (in this case Brazillians) by dropping in on ‘em and smash on when you get back to shore. It’s almost like the real thing.
Get a deep burn from a backpacker in Freo – I know, I know, you’d rather be at Skygarden running an absolute train on your urinary tract. Well, you can get a similar burn at a Freo backpackers. There is actually a good chance you’ll get a ridgy didge infection that was first caught in Bali. How authentic is that.
5. Hami Hill
Get arrested on shrooms in Hamilton Hill – no doubt the Hami Hill mung beans have preserved some shrooms from Winter. You’re welcome to get arrested down there but you’ll find Hami Hill far more convenient being just 25 from the city. Go a heroic dose and do some fire twirling in the park or someshit. That’ll get the cops down.
6. East Vic Park
Forego delicious Indonesian food and order Maccas in East Vic Park – my god, it’s just too real, isn’t it? Surround yourself with delicious Indo restaurants and then obnoxiously declare to the world “fark that” you are ordering Maccas to your door. The way the good lord intended it.
Have a short lived, turbulent relationship with a roided-up meat head who values his arm sleeve over you in Rockingham – forget Canggu, you can shack up with a meathead for 3 nights down in Rocko just as easily. Call each other king & queen before enjoying a few public screaming matches after you see his Insta-DMs are full of girls just like you. You beauty! More on this king HERE.
8. Midland, dog
Spend the night on the toilet in Midland – Bali belly is a fantastic experience that can be hard to replicate back home. However, Midland has a Taco Bell, doesn’t it? Why not put their reputation to the test by ingesting several kilos in a true fiesta feast. Then see what happens at the other end.
Get harassed by some knuckle-dragging primates in Mandurah – cheeky monkeys at Balinese temples are a delight but Mandurah has its own knuckle dragging primates to pinch your shit and attack you. They will be looking after their feral kids at the Giants’ display! To guarantee some harassment, tell one of their kids to stop damaging a Giant. Boom! They’ll go ya.
Fend off a toey older woman in Burswood – just because you ain’t in Bali doesn’t mean you have to let your guard down around roaming Rhondas! Head to the Cas for a staycation and end up having to massage some toes that look like they should belong to an orc-reature calling for the age of man to be over!
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?