Prep time: 117 years
3 mounds of Ascot horse shit (fresh is preferred and there’s plenty to forage)
2 cloves of toey tradies (pre-cooked and delivered straight from the airport)
1 cup of finely diced Aldi-brand marina culture
2 litres of Sparkling Tomato Lake water exclusive to the Kewdale region
Generous lashings of Rivervale gentrification
Great Eastern Highway road rage to taste
10 cups of secret Belmont WTF mystery sauce
Freshly squeezed airport train line frustration juice
Essence of abandoned trolley
Belmont Forum pride to garnish
Step 1 – you want to brown off your horse turds as you fill the suburb with a rich aroma of a confusing blend of semi-rural & metro living. You want your guests to say, holy shit is that a horse tied up outside a servo just 10 minutes from the city? Let the turds get a really nice sear.
Step 2 – add your Aldi brand marina culture to the pan and stir until you’ve got a very unsettling vision of weird Gen X swinger parties aboard a ship of your nightmares. This will give the broth a depth of flavour you never knew you didn’t want. Add your Sparkling Tomato Lake water.
Step 3 – time to add the Airport train line frustration. Remember to get every drop of juice out of it by experiencing the clusterfuck in both T1 and T3&4. You’ll find the freshest juice from a tourist who has just arrived in the state. Season with some Great Eastern Highway road rage to taste.
Step 4 – once simmering like a bus driver on his last run for the day it’s time to add your pre-cooked tradies. This method is called Redcliffing and will give the stew an almost country, rustic feel. Warning as the pre-cooked tradies will come on ice you’ll have to make sure they are somewhat defrosted before adding them.
Step 5 – Allow to cook until all the ingredients are coexisting in a tense and slightly paranoid community. When things are just about to boil over add your Rivervale gentrification to complete the boom. You put this ingredient in at the end because it believes it’s better than the others.
Step 6 – time to lay the secret Belmont WTF mystery sauce on thick. This is the wild card of the dish. It’s an indescribable taste. An unrecognisable texture. An unexplainable aroma that is also so strangely familiar. It’s that “Ah Belmont” moment, that is the heart & soul of the LGA.
Step 7 – Add your essence of abandoned trolley and garnish with a hefty lump of Belmont Forum Pride. This is the star of the dish and every guest will need it basically rubbed into their face how you have one of the best suburban shopping centres in the City.
Now you’re done. Serve in a mining hard hat you flogged from work and wash down with as much bourbon & coke as you can drink. Those in Rivervale will probably try to be fancy and pair it with a $6 bottle of red wine but that’s up to you.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?