WA concreter switches to sugar free brekkie bourbons as part of health kick 

Some believe breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and WA concreter Mathyew was sick of putting all that sugary shit into his bodily temple first thing in the morning. 

So to prove to himself, his misso and the shitfabrains doctor that he can change, Mathyew has switched out his beloved 6% full sugar Woodies for sugar-free Woodies and he’s already starting to feel the difference. We spoke to Mathyew that was 4 cans deep before 8 am, he told The Times,

“I’m a high-performance machine mate, gotta put the right fuel in. I heard all that sugar got toxins and shit and fark that for a joke ay. Yous gotta think about ya health in 2022 mate, I wanna be there to crack a Woodie with me kids on their 10th birthday”

Indeed, the only toxins that Mathyew allows into his body now are alcohol, ice and litres of trans fats on his daily Whopper missions. Sugar just has no place in that delicate ecosystem. 

Even Mathyew’s coworkers have noticed a change. We spoke to “Spyda” who sometimes stylises the S in his name with a $. He told The Times,

“Don’t use a portaloo after him. All that sugar-free stuff runs through him like a mudslide bro. He seems to have more energy too but that could be due to other things ha ha, we call him Pete Evans now cos he’s such a health nut”


At smoko, we caught up with Mathyew to see how he was going. He was mixing a sugar-free Monster into his half drunk can of Woodstock. He told The Times,

“Gotta have me medicine. This is great cos the piss takes the edge off and the Monster slightly puts it back on. It’s how I smash concrete real good plus me doctor would be proud, no sugar”

It is indisputable that Mathyew is the health icon of his generation. Well done big orse on making the changes to pursue a pure state of being. 

FURTHER READING: Perth Tradie Not About to Let Neighbourhood Forget How Early He Gets Up In The Morning