Hungover bloke about to risk it all on mate’s couch

Local pisswreck and general grub Matty has woken up on a mate’s couch after a heavy Friday night on the froffs. He laid there in a half-dead state – too tired to get up and too seedy to sleep. He knows he has to release some pressure. 

At approximately 7 am, Matty was in an Insta-babe trance. It was doing no favours for his pressing needs. He told The Times,

“You know when you just NEED to rub one out? Yeah, that was me. I knew I should go to the toilet but I just couldn’t get up. My hand kept creeping. I dunno if I was even consenting to myself”

For about 25 minutes he was just priming his engine. A flick here, a squeeze there. All grubby but nothing you wouldn’t see on your average TransPerth train ride. At around 7:25 am, another punter stirred from their rest and walked past the lounge room. He told The Times,

“I woke up to get some water and was going to poke my head in and say hi to Matty but I could smell the room from the doorway. He stunk that room up big and having caught him several times at my house I knew he was going to add to the aroma by knocking his top off on the couch. Wtf is wrong with him?”

The disturbance had spooked Matty and while pretending to be asleep he actually nodded off for real. However, his subconscious had other ideas. He told The Times,

“Yeah I dozed off and after a few minutes I woke up with my hand full on my hog. Not through the grundies or nothing. I knew this situation was getting serious. It’s all I could think about. The sweet release. Nirvana”

Matty remains tight lipped on whether he completed the deed but judging by the blanket crudely jammed in his mate’s washing basket you can only assume the atrocities that went down on that couch. 

What’s next for Matty? Well, no one heard him wash his hands so hopefully he’s not in some seedy car park mouthfucking a Whopper. Although, everyone knows he probably is. 

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