Guten tag! Anyone who has been to Oktoberfest in Munich knows how embarrassing Australians are at this event. This is mostly due to the damning contrast between Aussie loutery and the reserved Euro drinking culture.
So don’t worry about making a dick of yourself at the Aussie version because you’ll be in good company as you slush around with the other societal-backwash at the bottom of the stein of over-refreshment.
First and foremost, you must get into the spirit of the day by dressing in the traditional German garbs – lederhosen or dirndl. This is a particularly enjoyable outfit for influencers as it forms the first leg of the “the month of cleavage” that is October.
Thrifty punters can even repurpose their dirndl for Halloween as after Oktoberfest it will look truly gruesome and covered in more bodily fluid than Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask. Two tiddy-birds with one stone. Nice.
Accordingly, it’s best to get all your Instagram shots out of the way early because god knows how they’ll turn out after your 6th stein. Unless of course, you are compiling footage for a documentary that would make David Attenborough curse the cruelty of nature.
When travelling along the autobahn of intoxication it would be wise to remember that you aren’t a high-performance rig and should pace yourself accordingly. Stay in your drinking lane or the ill-effects of large quantities of bier will leave you feeling dirtier than the emissions from a pre-2015 Volkswagen.
Of course, you don’t have to commit glutencide on your body. After all, it is a festival, so feel free to join the meatheads dressed in dirndls and get as cooked as Hansel & Gretel’s slow-roasted lunch. Or, don’t, and just laugh at them – a feeling of shelvinfreude.
As per tradition, finish the day by engaging in a little game of hiding the bratwurst in a portable toilet. Just hope that the act doesn’t leave your love-pretzel smelling like sauerkraut. Viel Glück
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a bier, ay?