IN FOCUS: The Perth Freeway Experience

Perth’s Freeway isn’t free. While other States place tolls on their roads, Perth demands a much higher price from its citizens to use its Freeway – their very will to live.

Both the Kwinana and Mitchell Freeway are generally as congested as a 3 am coke nose and even cracked a spot in the top 10 shittest roads in Australia list.

In fact, this freeway is such an engineering disaster that it manages to cost Perf $2B a year in loss of productivity – that’s a serious achievement in the field of arterial infrastructure failure.

A major problem the Freeway has is the fact Perth loves driving. It goes beyond mere affection, it’s our birthright. In fact, we are a people that would sooner push our mothers down some stairs than be told we shouldn’t drive.

Combine that with the fact most people’s public transport options are as appealing as a late entry to a game of soggy biscuit and you have the perfect congestion storm.

Surely the shared experience of this motoring burden would bring us together? Wrong. Quite the opposite – Perf drivers manage to magnify their cunty driving bullshit exponentially on the Freeway.

Naturally, merging is a shitshow that would put an old boy’s jocks to shame. Punters disregard the purpose of an on ramp and enter the Freeway at a glacial pace.

If this wasn’t bad enough, the drivers on the freeway would sooner let an STI-ridden yoghurt flinger in their precious gap. This causes a bottleneck at every merge.

Once the beast starts rolling a peculiar transformation occurs across all lanes. Half the drivers disregard the big 100 on the signposts and bumble along at 80.

Anyone wanting to get where they’re going promptly has to play dodge the road-turd in the sewer of their dwindling patience. When you pass any one of these oxygen banditos, you’ll see a total lack of awareness as they steal oxygen from organisms that actually need it.

Pay attention to the braindead expressions because they will turn to panic when confronted with more than 3 lanes. Especially as they enter the City area and have to actually *think* about what lane they need.

Of course, if they choose the wrong lane they’ll just swerve across 4 lanes to get to the exit they need. Did they bother looking before they did it? Hell no.

In an effort to improve the Perth Freeway experience, the Government introduced “smart” technology which showed early signs of promise.

Naturally, the classic attitude of Western Australian drivers refusing to be told what to do prevailed. It was a bold plan but it’ll take more than a flashing sign to get the city into a state of merging literacy.

Oh, and at certain points, you have to deal with all these cretins while also gasping for air as the stench of the river fills your car. After half an hour on the Freeway, you start looking at Mad Max’s fury road as a lovely Sunday drive.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?