“There’s nothing to do in Perth”, says woman who considers taking photos of a piss-stained Melbourne laneway “something to do”

A Perth-born & bred woman turned her back on the city 5 years ago and went to live a cultured life in Melbourne.

During her time in the big smoke, she fostered her intense loathing of the west coast and upon returning for holiday visits will decree to anyone who will listen that there is just nothing to do!

We spoke to Marie who was clearly uncomfortable with the consistent sun and blue sky. She told The Times,

“I hate coming back to this shithole. There is nothing to do! If I was back in Melbs I could just walk through the city laneways getting lost in the smell of urine and the world’s best coffee wafting through the air”

Sounds like fun for the whole family. Playing the devil’s advocate, we told Marie that Perth also has a strong graffiti & urine scene down in Northbridge and asked her to expand on what there is to do in Melbourne.

She paused for a few moments while trying to think of an activity that one can do in Melbourne that isn’t available in Perth. She composed herself and said,

“Art galleries, wine bars, proper Asian food, have you ever had dumplings? I doubt it. It’s not all sweet & sour pork in Melbs, sweetie. Oh, and the culture! TRAMS!”

She certainly had us on the trams point. However, trying to avoid eye contact with the latest Melbourne public transport menace is less of “something to do” and more of an adrenaline thrill ride.

Besides, if kinda fearing for your well-being on public transport is up your alley then does Perth have a few train lines for you!

Trying to reach some middle ground we conceded that the sports scene in Melbourne was truly beautiful. This assertion only seemed to irritate her more, adding,

“I don’t like sports. I’d rather get lost in a good book in Edinborough Gardens then yell at group of meatheads playing sportsball”

Christ, please stay in Melbourne.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?