How to Avoid Offending West Aussies (Part 1)

Don’t disrespect Justin Langer – as proven yesterday, if you want WA to turn on you like a salad-tossing swarm of bees after Winnie the Pooh wiggles his thicc arse around the honeycomb, you need only to disrespect cricket champion Justin Langer.

Cricket Australia dogged a icon who had the audacity to rebuild the cricket team and lead them to a culture of winning. How dare he.

Don’t be Clive Palmer – just like him, this is a big one. Few people have managed to secure their sport in the WA hall of shame quite like Clive Palmer.

A man who launched an offensive against WA on as many fronts as he could, all because he wasn’t granted entry during the hard border closure. So, if visiting WA, please don’t be Clive Palmer, cheers.

Keep your swanky east coast driving to yourself – we are acutely aware that when it comes to driving we suck more kwon than a Dyson at a backyard constipation clinic.

Please do the polite thing and funnel your emotions into offensive hand gestures and profanities like the rest of us. We don’t need to hear about it from some prick with a Shitney accent, ok? 

Don’t look at us – if we’re being honest a fair few punters aren’t stoked you’re here. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the hard border allowed a lot of us to get back to the pub quicker.  So just avoid looking at us directly in the eyes. Especially at suburban pubs. It’s for your own safety. 

Kneel before our sunsets – it’s not worth your time getting into an argument with a sandgroper over which state has the best sunsets. It’s not an argument you can win over here.

Some people value our ocean sunsets more than their firstborns. So if you do feel the need to flap your gums than prepare for a fight. 

Pub dialect – you’ll find WA pubs to be quite similar to the ones you have back home. One thing you will notice, however, is we name things properly.

Please don’t order a “pot” of beer, don’t defend schooners and be very careful around your choice of lingo for the humble chicken parmigiana. This is a parmy town. Again, this will cause you to become socially alienated if not, face bitten. 

Don’t join in on the self-deprecation – WA and especially Perf’s unique brand of mediocrity is something we hold dear to our hearts. We love nothing more than ridiculing our state but that privilege won’t extend to you.

It’s like our little brother, it’s fine for us to beat it up but if you do, well, you’ll probably find yourself as popular as a carrot at a scissoring party.

Continue to PART 2: How to Avoid Offending West Aussies Part 2

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?