Good Friday is the official seagull grand final with over 500% more fish & chip munching families to terrorise in their endless pursuit for a snack – and they owe it all to a lingering sense of Catholic guilt amongst the mostly Godless community.
Indeed, thousands of families will be spending their day lining up for upwards of 4 hours to get some fish & chips all because it’s mandated by a religion they no longer follow in any meaningful way.
Oh, you think God doesn’t know about what you used to do in the backseat at Zig Zag? Melissa? Think he doesn’t know about the 5 a day sessions leaving you with chaff when you were working from home, Bradley? You all strayed from God’s light many moons ago.
Nevertheless, to satisfy that nagging feeling of their souls burning for eternity next to Georgy Pell, the masses will be stuffing their faces with delights from the deep fryer. Local gulls couldn’t be happier.
Battalions of the infamous sea birds have begun rallying at key locations this morning. Preparing for the queues, preparing for the advance, preparing for the slaughter. Residents in coastal suburbs from Hillarys to Mandurah have reported an eerie presence in the skies.
Local wildlife authorities have advised would-be picnic-goers and general outdoor diners to exercise extreme caution. With an expert telling The Times,
“Honestly, resistance is futile. This isn’t their first rodeo and the minute you open that steaming bundle of Catholic guilt they’ll be onto you like Prince Andrew on an island retreat. Our only advice is to get indoors if you know what’s good for you”
We spoke to a young family last year who claims they took their eyes off their feed at Kailis for 2 seconds to see what their baby was crying about. Well, it was the biggest mistake of their lives. The mother told The Times,
“Within seconds, 5 gulls had their beaks in our seafood platter and chips. There was no mercy. They were so bold. Screaming in our faces. I still remember massive shit one left behind as a final act of disrespect”
Be careful out there, catholic guilters.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?