Local Lycra warrior and 3 abreast specialist Tony has sprung out of bed. Still charging from watching Perth boy Jai Hindley break away in the Pyrenees to win the fifth stage. It was an unexpected but delicious victory.
A victory that Tony is going to use to fuel his own cycling fantasies. One of his riding buddies told The Times that Tony rolled in hot. Real hot. Adding,
“We thought maybe he’d stashed a sock down there ha ha. It’s cold but his bulge was epic this morning. He arrived at our usual meeting spot and told everyone to protect him from all sides. Today is the day he breaks away and chops a Hilux, his mortal enemy”
Not everyone was keen on the plan. With some members of the riding group pleading with Tony to not antagonise a Hilux driver as it almost got them run off Mundaring Weir Road last summer.
Alas, the pleadings fell on deaf ears. After causing more than a little vehicular frustration with his glacial breakaway up Mounts Bay Road, Tony was fist-pumping like Lance Armstrong at a doping party. His mate told The Times,
“Yeah that was bad. He exerted himself so strenuously trying to break away he cut his lunch in our faces and clearly tweaked his hammy. We were all pretty dirty about the fart but he just kept calling it the price of perfection”
After the ride, the men settled into a customary pre-peloton coffee and Tony’s rockstar attitude didn’t subside humbly. A barista at the cafe told The Times,
“He winked at me while he was ordering. Ew. I’m 23 and I think he could be like 50 or something. He then started stretching out his hamstring in front of me. I think he had a boner”
After ordering, Tony told the barista to look him up on Linkedin. If she could handle it.
Someone get this guy a cold shower and a grip.
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