BREAKING: The Thames Now 100% Salt Water After Flood Of English Tears

The mighty Thames has been reclassified from brackish water to a 100% pure marine environment after the weekend saw countless gigalitres of English tears flow in after the second test in the Ashes Series. 

Sunday night saw the greatest flooding of tears after Australia stumped Jonny Bairstow out on a decision their media is determined to be classified as against the “spirit of cricket”. A marine biologist told The Times,

“The Thames always has a bit of salt in it. I mean come on, it’s in the heartland of the whining pombag but it still had a good proportion of freshwater. That’s no more. You can float in it like the dead sea!”

Since the weekend, several species of marine critters have been seen frolicking in the area now it’s better suited to their biology. Several members of the English media have claimed personal credit for changing the salinity of the water. A spokesperson for Piers Morgan told The Times,

“You don’t get a bigger crybaby than Piers. He reportedly increased the salt content of The Thames by 10% purely by himself. That’s commitment to the sulk”

Other notable contributors to the changing ecosystem were MCC members who are still nursing port-induced-hangovers after drowning their sorrows and acting like a pack of baboons in the hallowed Lord’s long room. 

RELATED: English coworker lashes “Aussie spirit” after leaving meeting early and missing out on pastries 

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