Australian consumers could soon be wearing a Galati-leg-hair-Gilet or a full body hair sleeping bag after a groundbreaking study has revealed that the spud king’s body hair is up to three times better at insulating against the cold.
Scientists came up with the hypothesis after repeatedly witnessing the spud king roam around his potato empire wearing the barest of attire. Just a pair of short shorts, a singlet and sometimes a little vest. A lead researcher told The Times,
“This man doesn’t feel cold. It’s as simple as that. Even the staunchest Belmont shorts enthusiast would probably slide the tracky dacks on for a 2 degree 6 am start. Not Tony though. We had to discover the essence and we believed the answer could be found in his hair”
After a comprehensive study, the following findings were made:
- An 800 down-fill Galati hair jacket would have a temperature rating of -30 degrees Celsius
- A Galati hair sleeping bag would approximately be R-50 per inch meaning it outperformed vacuum-insulated panels in terms of insulation
- Galati’s eyebrows offer full thermal protection of the upper body
- Galati hair’s special thermal qualities are “activated” by the presence of spuds
Based on the findings, Kathmandu, The North Face and Patagonia are locked in a fierce battle to see who can develop the first full Galati hair jacket. However, there are issues. As explained by a head scientist at Patagonia,
“We first attempted to use eyebrow hair but found that it was far too aggressive a material for your average human being. We are having trouble harnessing the power of the hair without it destroying lesser men. That will be the big struggle we think”
Another issue that occurred is a rather peculiar reaction that potato fibres experienced when exposed to pure Galati hair. A scientist explained,
“It would cause the potato fibre to multiple in vast quantities. We even observed a noise during the reaction which sounded like someone saying, ‘you can shove your potato quota up your arse’, truly fascinating stuff”
We can only hope our Galati-hair jackets are on their way.
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