News broke today that Nestle will be discontinuing the nostalgic classic Fantales. It was met with outpouring of grief from alleged fans of the lolly but more importantly the nation’s dentists.
We spoke to a SOR dentist who claims he bought his beach house due to boomers demolishing the chewy pieces of shit their whole lives. He added,
“all that sugar just getting mushed into the teeth cavities. Absolutely perfection from a tooth decay perspective. Absolute perfection for my bottom line. I’ll be personally petitioning the company to get their act together and start printing them off… Like my money!”
We spoke to another dentist who said jab the nerve of the next fairweather Fantale fan who claimed to be devo at the loss of the confectionery product. Adding,
“how many bags did you buy this year? What did you do? How dare you bask in our grief. You vultures! Hope I see you for your next root canal… I should stop. I’m just emotional. They were a major money spinner for my kind”
For the sake of fairness we spoke to such a fairweather fan who admitted to not actually purchasing the lolly for decades yet still declaring their love for it,
“Yah, I’m that sort of arsehole. Just like Sizzler and Sanity. I wait until they are on their knees defeated to talk about how much I loved them. Honestly, Fantales are kind of trash but the trivia of actors I barely know was fun I suppose. Not that I’d even read one these days”
It was an honest interview. Nailing the plight of many fallen legends. Why can’t they be popular when they are available for purchase? We may never know.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
