Ah, Forrestfield aka Forrie. A timeless suburb in the foothills where beauty truly meets the beast. Strap yourself in for a wild ride.
1. Make an offering to the gum nut shrine
Legend has it a deal was struck with the Forrie Gods many moons ago. Delinquent youths offer up washing detergent (elixir of the gods) and in return, Fox racing apparel will never go out of fashion in Forrie.
So why not do your bit and appease the ancient Gods? The locals probably won’t like you stealing their thunder so try to be as discreet as you can. Consider an early morning run.
“Great idea! I used to do this at the Adventure World Adults Only Party in the spas. I never got divine blessing but I did get a decent chemical rash on my balls. Worth it” – Testimonial from Dazza
2. Evolve into your final Dome Cafe form
Consider every previous visit to lesser Domes to be training for this moment. You’ve entered the mega Dome. The Domarena. Currently taking up half the shopping centre, it has plans to one day take over all of Forrie (probably).
So, choose your fighter. Will you be the Queen of Karens demanding an extra hot, half shot, soy bullshitacino or the king of FIFOs destroying the toilet after a customary after-bender eggs benny? Whichever path you choose, you’ll be in good company.
For extra Forrie points, head into the shopping centre and locate the notice board you need to climb over rows of trolleys to get to. Convenience is everything in the foothills.
“Yewwww, I dropped a stankin’ grogan after a night on the Woodie cans. Something about a double shot flat white and Dome eggs benny just opens the gates to hell” – Testimonial from Jerome
3. Be *that person* at Lesmurdie Falls
Ever looked at people who get into precarious situations chasing social media clout and think… legend? Well, join the ranks today and climb those slippery rocks. Trust that no one will think you’re reckless and wasting important emergency resources.
Alternatively, you can join the many tourists who have inexplicably worn nice, new white runners to the moderate hike. Enjoy getting those lovely Nikes looking like Clive Palmer’s grundies after Old El Paso night.
4. Enjoy driving under extreme prejudice –
You just know when the local Chinese joint is called Commodore that driving the streets is going to be an experience. Combine this with the unholy union of Roe & Tonkin and you have a truck fuelled, tailgating, near-miss experience of a lifetime.
After a day of seeing the sights, you’ll have seen your life flash before your eyes at least 10 times. You may never forget that Hi-Vis-wearing gent throwing a can at your car for the crime of doing 40 in a school zone. Cherish these memories, they’ll make you remember you’re alive.
5. Talk shit about the hills
Nothing good comes down the hill. This is the attitude you must take to be accepted by the Forrie community. Try striking up a convo at the Tavern about how the hills have eyes if you know what I mean.
Whatever you do, don’t mention that you’re just passing through Forrie on your way to check out the “more exciting” hills. Treat the home of the mighty Forrie Rhinos as the destination suburb it should be.
6. Become a true connoisseur of random smoke
Smell that? What could it be? A bushfire? Someone’s home fire? a burnout? A billie? A pipe? Diesel soot? a car recently used in a robbery being lit up? There truly is something for every smoke sniffer in Forrie.
By the end of your amazing day in Forrie you’ll be an expert on every sort of smoke and general emission there is. Who said Forrie wasn’t a good teacher?
7. Join a front lawn car party –
Houses with 7 cars parked on the front lawn and Forrie. Name a more iconic duo. So feel free to venture into the burbs and join one of these front lawn parties. No one will mind (probably).
To truly fit in you’re going to need something between a souped-up V8 and a raised dual cab. Both options are fine as long as you’ve got personalised number plates. Once you’ve got that, just find a space on the ample front lawns of suburban Forrie.
“Thanks BTT, my car got stripped for parts but while I was there I did have several buckets. So I guess that evens out in the wash” – Testimonial from Nicole
8. Atone for your sins
Some don’t come to Forrie to do skids at the Lesmurdie Falls car park. Some come for salvation. That’s a polite way of saying there is a fucktonne of churches in Forrie.
So, if that ever-growing collection of crusty tissues on the floor of your sinful life is getting too much for you then why not donate money you need to an organisation that’s richer than God himself. That’s the path to enlightenment.
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